This post is a bit more serious than the rest. One of the things I want to blog about is depression related to abuse, miscarriage, and rape. I am hoping that I can help others with my knowledge. And I would be more than happy to offer advice and assistance to anyone who needs it. This post is the story of my miscarriage.
A miscarriage is one of the hardest things that I have ever been through. I was pregnant with my second child. My pregnancy was a surprise and unplanned, but we were excited. At my eight week check up I got to see the baby on an ultrasound. Her heartbeat was beautiful and perfect. Everything was looking good. There was nothing abnormal as far as we knew. Except that I had gotten a positive pregnancy test before the doctor said I had even conceived. Oh well. I didn’t think much of it. Baby was healthy.
I had morning sickness. Really more like all day sickness. I had pain in my ligaments. I was tired all of the time. Like any regular pregnancy. Life was stressful. Between trying to keep my infant warm and fed there wasn’t much else that I could focus on. It was hard to chop the wood being pregnant and there was no money for food. Life went on. My pregnancy progressed. And then one day I felt really sick. I was extremely upset and felt like my whole world had crashed down. The day went on and nothing seemed to be out of place so I went on with life.
A couple weeks later, I went to visit my parents. A day into the visit, I started bleeding. I still thought everything was okay other than I thought I was having the same preterm issues that I had, had with my oldest daughter. We headed back to my doctor. He agreed that it must have been more preterm issues and we went in to the ultrasound room to make see exactly what it was since I wasn’t far enough to go to labor and delivery. I was about 12 weeks pregnant at this point.
When my obgyn put the doppler on my stomach, we heard the most unexpected sound of all. The aound of silence. No heartbeat. It took a minute to sink it all in. My baby had died. The silence was so loud. My OB kept talking. Something about the baby being dead for over two weeks. And I thought of that day when I had been so upset, and I knew that, that was when I had lost my perfect angel. The doctor talked about getting a removal procedure done. I was not going into labor and he wanted to make sure I was healthy. I called my mom on our way home and just cried. A few days later, I went to the hospital and they took my baby out of me. I felt no closure. They wouldn’t even let us see our baby. Someone to say goodbye to. They took our baby for testing and they found no answers. No reasons for why we had lost her. Still no closure.
My heart was shattered. I had lost my baby. My womb had once been full and with life. And now it was empty.
I was drowned in my sorrow for a couple of weeks. I ended up getting pregnant again before my next period. Which I am sure is the only thing that pulled me through the darkness. It was scary though. Thinking that I’d be losing every baby I became pregnant with now. Never forgetting the baby that I love so much and have never held in my arms.
Good news – I have had three healthy sons since then. The scariest part I think, is thinking that something must be wrong with you and you’ll never have a baby again. And the fear comes back with every pregnancy. I don’t stop worrying that I’ll lose them until they’re in my arms.
I hope that sharing my story can help someone. Feel free to ask questions and/or share your story!!